The Quest | The Free Press of Reed College

The Sexual Intellectual, AKA The Fucking Know-It-All: An Ode to Going Down

Lewis Black, the angry yet eloquent sociopolitical comedian once said, “Curling should be taken out of the Olympics and replaced with oral sex – it’s harder than curling, and if you’re any good at it, you deserve a medal!” I couldn’t agree more with Mr. Black. Unfortunately my written appeals to the IOC have all been blatantly disregarded. They must consider oral sex less of an Olympic sport than a fine art, which, I suppose, it is.

Olympic sport or not, there is one thing of which I’m certain: receiving oral sex can and should be one of the most pleasurable experiences in a lover’s life. Giving it: possibly more so. So here’s an ode to going down.

Fellatio:

Most people are familiar with the greeting card company spawned holiday known as “Valentine’s Day”, but too few are aware of a holiday that falls one month later known as “Steak & a Blowjob Day.” If there’s a man in your life you’d like to help celebrate with on March 14, here are some tips to help you along.

First off, the man receiving fellatio must relinquish all control of the situation – this means that he NEVER, EVER presses his partner’s head down onto him. A blowjob is largely regarded to be a humiliating act, meant to showcase the fellated male’s dominance over his partner – because of this baggage, the receiver must remain respectful of his partner’s limits and accept that it is the giver’s choice to go down or not. Pressing someone’s head down may also result in activating the gag reflex, which could easily end in your penis being covered in vomit. Just don’t do it.

Second, a popular method called the “Ring & Seal” is good to be acquainted with – the giver forms a ring with their dominant hand’s index finger and thumb and seals this ring to their mouth. This allows them to apply pressure to the member as they move up and down the shaft, rotating the ring around the penis for added effect. The giver should be less concerned with how deep they go and more with how much freedom their tongue has to stimulate the tip (mostly the frenulum).

Once they have these motions down, they’re free to play with the rhythm of their movements, alternating between slow and fast for steadily more intense lengths of time and speed.

Post-script: If you feel you want to swallow his ejaculation, be certain when to expect it by placing your finger on his perineum to feel for pre-orgasmic contractions. Failure to do this may result in gagging and accidentally coughing ejaculate onto the receiver’s face (don’t ask me why I know this).

Cunnilingus:

Few methods of stimulation for a woman can compare with really good cunnilingus. A large amount of women (70% according to U. Chicago) cannot achieve orgasm without clitoral stimulation of the manual or oral type. When it comes down to it, the texture, movement, and moisture of the tongue on hooh-hah is almost impossible to imitate (except for those damn vibrating showerheads).

Showerheads be damned, here are some tips for cunnilingus.

As I mentioned last week, some sensual teasing helps heighten arousal, so the giving party should take time as they move from her mouth to her mons: nip and lick at her inner thighs and around the skin surrounding the outer labia. The giver should make first contact by licking the clitoral hood, then for more intense contact use their fingers to pull the outer labia, mons, and clitoral hood upward, exposing the clitoris. Use alternating circular motion with the taste buds and an up and down motion with the soft underside of the tongue around the clitoris. Don’t be too preoccupied with the porno tongue-flicking motion. Occasionally, the giver should glide up and down from the clit to the vulva, thereby stimulating the urethra midway through. On the giver’s way down it doesn’t hurt to get their tongue into the vulva a bit. As a bit of added pleasure, the giver might try inserting one or two fingers into the vagina as they work with their tongue: curve them upward to stimulate the G-Spot or just slowly move them in and out with a twisting motion. Rhythm is again important, either listen to her suggestions, her pattern of breathing/moaning, or – what I find helps – is listening to Jimi Hendrix. If you can manage to please your woman like Jimi plays guitar, I’d say you’re doing pretty damn well for yourself.

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