The Quest | The Free Press of Reed College

The Sexual Intellectual, AKA The Fucking Know-It-All: Sex Tips for Girls Revisited

This past summer I came across a book entitled “Sex Tips for Girls” in the bargain bin of a vintage store called Smut. The cover sported a pair of fishnetted legs in red heels, enough to capture my attention and interest (as it should any het male). Penned by humorist and journalist Cynthia Heimel (whose name curiously sounds like “hymen”) circa 1985, the tome is a bit dated, but full of useful tidbits for males and females alike. I suggest you glimpse it, if not for informational purposes, then for the many hours giggling uncontrollably you’ll doubtlessly spend while reading it (unless you’re clueless, in which case it’s purely for the former reason). As a sex advice enthusiast, I feel it necessary to share some of Ms. Heimel’s wisdom.

Now, men aren’t the most difficult creatures to please and most women know/assume this. I mean, it doesn’t take much more than licking a guy’s ear to let him know you’re in the mood before he begins to coat you in sloppy wet kisses like an over-excited puppy.
But even the sexiest of women will wonder what it is that really drives men wild in bed.
When a woman friend of mine will ask “What do you like in a girl when it comes to sex?” my initial response is always “My penis.” Other than that: “There are, in fact, only two (2) essentials to being a terrific lover: (1) manners, and (2) enthusiasm.”

Part I, Manners

Sadly, the reactions I get are along the lines of “What the hell does that mean??” It means what it says, manners and enthusiasm, that’s all. I can see where some women might find them a bit vague: “Does ‘manners’ mean I should use a napkin to wipe my mouth?” No, although that is mighty classy to suggest. Manners means don’t be tactless. If the guy’s not exactly packing heat (and if he is, it’s in the form of a Derringer), don’t outright laugh.
Simple things like this make all the difference. I like using farting as a good example. If this (sometimes) mortifying faux pas occurs with a new lover you should, first of all, slap your hand to your mouth and laugh as cutely as possible, second, do as your mother told you and say “excuse me.” Classy and hilarious and if he doesn’t laugh too, I doubt he’s worth it – to paraphrase Ms. Heimel: no one can be a great lover without a good sense of humor. A third example is something women will do that frustrates the hell out of me: answering the phone, or worse, a text message during foreplay OR sex. Words cannot express what a buzz-kill it is to be in the heat of the moment when you hear that goddamn iPhone frog croaking noise and she actually stops to respond. Unless it’s Brad Pitt calling to confess his undying lust/love for you- IGNORE THE PHONE; it’s rude and unsexy to do otherwise.

Part II, Enthusiasm

This element is the most crucial in being a sex kitten of the highest caliber. I would even consider forgiving an answered text message if a girl shows the right enthusiasm in bed. Enthusiasm means moaning, scratching, arching of the back, verbal encouragement (“Oh yes, yes, yes, right there, don’t stop, for the love of god”). There is nothing sexier to a guy than a girl who likes (or loves) to be fucked. It gives us an ego boost, helps one to stay in the moment, and generally means more fun for the both of you (or three or four of you).
Be careful not to attempt an Oscar-winning performance like Meg Ryan à la “When Harry Met Sally.” Enthusiasm does NOT mean acting or faking. One wants to be as genuine as possible when showing appreciation to their lover. A little extra moaning and screaming is great, but one should never be inorganic about it. What happens is the guy does something, you moan with false ecstasy and he will continue to do that one thing over and over again even though you don’t even like it. Misdirection is the best way to lead a man into confusion and yourself into bad sex in the future. If the guy just isn’t getting it right, give him a little direction (slower/faster, harder/softer, rub my clit, let me get on top, etc.) and then make it abundantly clear to him when he gets it right.

-The Sexual Intellectual

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