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The Sexual Intellectual, AKA The Fucking Know-It-All: Sex Tips for Guys

Woman – supposedly the most complicated thing any man may encounter. How to approach them, how to talk to them, how to convince them that you are a decent enough guy to sleep with?? These three questions alone could take up several volumes of research and discourse (plus diagrams) that would make your average dude’s head explode. For now, I’m going to leave those tricky topics to the pick-up artists. This here is for the winner’s circle – the men who’ve managed to scrape together enough resolve, patience, and charm to earn that golden “yes” of consent dripping from a woman’s lips into his ears. This is what to do, when to do it, and how to do it when you’re doin’ it.

Of course, both enthusiasm and tact are necessary components of a great male or female lover, unfortunately (or fortunately, depending on your outlook), because of the relative complexity of the female orgasm as opposed to the male, it can take a lifetime of *ahem* “study” to get down a technique that works across the board. Really, no two women are the same in bed. Kundera calls it the “1 millionth unknown part of a woman” – that one thing that differentiates all women from one another, i.e. how they are in bed. Tastes vary greatly and every woman will probably have her own preferred style of lovemaking. I’m not out to teach you the ultimate secret to sex like some kung-fu sex master or a Men’s Health magazine will promise to. After speaking to some close and sexually active female friends, though, I have devised some guidelines for men in approaching sex.

To quote American Pie “You have to preheat the oven before you stick in the turkey!”

Foreplay, yes, foreplay, but it takes more than just foreplay to heighten arousal – slowness is important here. Prolonging the time between consent and sexual contact. You’ve got options: earlobes, neck, lips, inner thighs, breasts, various pressure points and erogenous zones that you can stimulate with your fingertips, tongue, teeth, feathers, whatever: play with these and tease before you make the move toward foreplay. The entirety of a woman’s body deserves attention. God forbid her breasts feel unloved because you’re impatiently scrambling south. That being said, I highly recommend going down on your female lover – this subject alone requires far more attention than I can give here, but c’est la vie. Onward.

Car fact: Mustang GT 500 can go from 0 to 60MPH in 4.4 seconds. Life fact: A woman is not a Mustang GT 500. So as you begin either foreplay or sex, remind yourself of this.
Start from a gentle and slow pace moving gradually (as needed/asked for) toward hard and fast. Some girls like it slow and soft, and will react significantly to just that, others require more (much, much more). To quote a friend “You gotta know when to be slow and sweet, and when to fucking fuck.” The point is, with a new lover, you don’t know what she likes yet – test the water before you dive in, from then on you can change it up and vary pace and pressure as needed. Also, as you go from zero to sixty, pay special attention to what rhythms elicit the best response; the rhythm of her breathing may help you along with that.

Other than that, I’ve got a few fun sex tips for men that you may use to your advantage:

Number one – how not to leave a hickey. If your girl loves to be bitten but has an interview for a teaching position in the morning, try this: bare your teeth and press them down on the desired area (usually the neck), apply pressure as you open your teeth wider and wider, then grab a nice piece of muscle with your teeth and massage it. No bruising should result, only some slight redness that will be gone by morning.

Number two – during sex, as intensity is reaching its peak, place your hand just above her pubic mound and press down firmly into her lower stomach. This stimulates the vagina externally and causes a doubly pleasurable experience for the girl as you thrust. Make certain you’re not pressing so hard that it hurts her (in a non-sexual way).

Number three – make some fucking noise. Have you ever had sex with a girl who doesn’t make a single sound during sex? Yeah, it’s awkward. You don’t need to match her volume necessarily, but try relaxing your throat muscles and experiment with letting out some pleasurable sounds to let her know you’re having a great time.

Next Week: “An Ode to Going Down”

Comments
2 Responses to “The Sexual Intellectual, AKA The Fucking Know-It-All: Sex Tips for Guys”
  1. Jordan Horowitz says:

    eeeeeewwwwwwwww

    • Amused Alumnus says:

      Ah, hearing 20 year old boys at Reed give sex advice… hilarious! No less funny now than it was back in the day.

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