The Quest | The Free Press of Reed College

The Lutz Report

Backer than fuck.

So here it is—THE LUTZ REPORT! Some of you know what it is; some of you don’t. Those of you who don’t, fuck you freshman and go write a hum paper or something. Basically, the Lutz report is, people get drunk and write shit to put in the Quest. We put it in white letters on black background to show the difference between the other articles the Quest runs, in which the authors presumably aren’t drunk while they’re writing it (though this writer/editor can tell you that maybe that’s maybe not always the case but shhh don’t tell anyone or else it’ll end up in the quest or something.)

So yeah, Lutz report, like the Lutz Tavern (huh, correlation? Equals causation? I don’t know, aks a statistics major) is back as FUCK! In fact, it’s BACKER than fuck. That’s how back the Lutz Report is. So back that sexy was brought to it. And it’s staying. If you want to write a Lutz report, it’s pretty easy. First, down a bunch of PBR or whatever shit you like to put in your body to make it feel nice. Then do a Lutz report. (Note: The Quest probs does not endorse drinking if you’re not 21 but maybe whatevs I don’t really know). They’re usually about like life stories or whatever or philosophy or what you’re doing this weeekend or why you’re angry about Reed but don’t get too preachy or what you think about Scottish separatism. The main goal/idea is just make sure it’s fun to read.

Like this: I heard this proverb story about a girl who was always honest but her parents were bad and thought she was always lying and so she became even more honest and never lied to prove how honest she was but they didn’t believe her. And that shaped how she was the rest of her life. I forget why or whatever how it ended but I guess the idea is it’s supposed to make you think and reflect and maybe want to get drunk. So it’s been an honor reporting Lutz for you, and until next time, Happy Lutzing!!!1

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