APR. 1, 2018 2 min read

In the early hours of Thursday morning, Gary Granger marched on the Office of the President in Eliot alongside his most trusted Community Safety Officers (CSOs) in what appeared to be a coup d’état of presidential power by Community Safety. Witnesses reported a motorcade of CSO vehicles forming an impenetrable circle around Eliot while CSOs replaced all pennons and flags currently decorating Eliot and the surrounding areas with large standards bearing Granger’s face and the slogans “A Cannabis-Odor Free Tomorrow” and “Say No Thanky to the Danky,” solidifying the transfer of power in the minds of all onlookers. Not long after Eliot was converted into Granger’s base of operations, he is reported to have taken to a third-floor Eliot balcony to deliver his first speech as President, addressing the sea of onlookers gathered on the lawn.

“Today, I am assuming the responsibilities of Reed College president,” declared Granger. “For too long, the odor of cannabis has haunted this campus like a specter, lingering just outside of the reach of justice. Until today, the warm, sticky stenches of sativas, indicas, and hybrids alike have thrived in the apathy of previous presidencies. Starting today, my administration will be taking extra efforts to end the lawless abandon enjoyed by cannabis odors on this campus. Through a redirecting of current Renn Fayre funds, all of my CSOs will be receiving cybernetic olfactory and night-vision implants. These enhancements will aid them in our mission to track down and eradicate the stinks of sin and vice that for far too long have remained outside of our CSOs’ natural capacities to find. No more shall these aromas hide just within reasonable doubt or in the dark cover of the lawn at night.”

Other items on President Granger’s agenda include mandatory mobile-app check-ins at 4:20 p.m. each day and the awarding of each current student with one “warning” AOD, effective immediately. At the time of reporting, all Reed College stoners have continued smoking as usual on the other side of 28th Avenue and Woodstock.