APR. 1, 2018 4 min read

Theme Dorms vie for Territorial Expansion

Recent leaks in files from Facilities Services and from the underground archives vault of the Tír na nÓg theme dorm have suggested at the expansionist aspirations of Reed College’s most beloved nerdy theme dorm. Currently housed on the third floor of Naito Hall, Tír na nÓg (or “the nÓg” for short) is where Reedies can be found playing Magic: the Gathering at two in the morning most Tuesday nights. “All-nighter RPGs and Saturday night Voltron binges — that’s true Reed Culture,” commented nÓg resident Ari Coester.

Floor plans of the new dorm building — to be ready for habitation in the fall of 2019 — have revealed plans for a two-ton rotating fire-spitting d20 sculpture in the central courtyard of the new dorm (for amateurs, “d20” refers to a 20-sided die often used in RPGs [role-playing games]). This unusual addition to the residence hall has sparked investigations into possible conspiratorial ties between Facilities Services and the nÓg. Some people (specifically, GameDev residents) have even rumored that nÓg hackers influenced the election of Director of Facilities Services Townsend Angell.

Upon questioning, Angell confirmed that the d20 sculpture is already being assembled in a blacksmithing cave buried deep somewhere underneath Mount Hood. He also revealed that the new dorm will officially be named “the nÓgdom,” and that Tír na nÓg will have full occupancy over all 80 beds of the residence hall (the largest hall on campus yet). Angell refused further comment to the question of how this deal had been reached. As to where the funding for the enormous artisan-made sculpture had come from, he only mumbled, “Oh uh, you know, we’ve got our sources, uh, ties to banks and stuff.”

“We’ve got connections,” said nÓg House Advisor (HA) Nick Egan in a later conversation. “Let’s just say we’ve got people on the inside. We’ve got people who know how to use the administration’s worst fears to our own advantage.” While Egan only raised his eyebrows and chuckled suggestively in answer to the question of what exactly the administration’s worst fear is, nÓg theme coordinator Bodhi Molinari-Kopelman shed some light as to the motivation behind this territorial conquest: “For decades, the nÓg proudly ruled the Griffin-McKinley Fortress. Then, ResLife shunted us aside to the backwashes of cross-canyon living. We’ve been plotting our coup on ResLife ever since.”

Bodhi and his dormies are also pushing for the installation of a built-in dungeon complete with hidden trolls, traps, and treasure troves beneath the foundations of the future nÓgdom, as well as a spaceport on the roof. Facilities Services has not yet confirmed these additions.

“The nÓg’s not the only dorm that’s got hackers,” said Logan Tibbetts, HA of MadSci theme dorm, currently located on the third floor of Bragdon. According to Tibbetts, MadSci and GameDev hackers have formed a temporary cybertruce to get to the bottom of the nÓg’s imperial behavior. “They’re not gonna stop with the nÓgdom,” said Tibbetts. “They’re gonna target other theme dorms next, and if no one stops them they’re gonna conquer all of ResLife.”

Bodhi admitted he found the idea of a campus-wide nÓg a pleasant one. “It’d be for the common good, really,” he said, “all Reedies would benefit from a little more mandatory dnd [dungeons and dragons].” Coester agreed. “The nÓg is like my family,” he said. “I think that’s something no one on campus deserves to be deprived of.” nÓg resident Liv Depies emerged from her science fiction novel and jumped into the conversation, adding, “It’s our way of curing stress culture — everyone on campus would be so much happier if they thought less about grades and sex and more about dragons and Vogons.”

Confirming Tibbetts’ fears, Bodhi further added, “With the new regime we’d have to deal with other theme dorms, of course. GameDev would be safely assimilated into our superior culture. MadSci can go to hell.

But MadSci may not go quietly. “I can neither confirm nor deny that we’ve been conducting missile tests in our basement,” said Tibbetts. Indeed, MadSci possesses not only an illicit basement, but also a second and much more powerful nuclear reactor, buried 3 km beneath the canyon. ResLife has rumored that MadSci has already conducted 16 missile tests and is close to developing a launcher that would be able to fire weapons all the way from Bragdon to the nÓgdom, annihilating the nÓg in a cloud of green and purple smoke.

Meanwhile, the Language Houses are pushing for the abolition of borders between residence halls, and Old Dorm Block residents have maintained that, as the true guardians of “Olde Reed” and “tradition,” they are the only ones with the “experience” necessary to “rule” “ResLife.”  And it’s only a matter of time before Music Appreciation Society enters the war of the themes.