A Bong Threat

Dear Gary M. Granger,

I, along with the rest of the Reed community, recently received an email from you asking us to report any crimes. I admit that I did not read the email in full, however, I understand that it is my civic duty to inform you that I really like shoplifting. I especially enjoy shoplifting from small businesses (I'm not talking about Walmart here) such as Floyd's Fine Cannabis. I have stolen over 420 grams of organic cannabis from this establishment and infused it with mesmerizing chemicals which I purchased from a wizard last summer, as well as a grand total of over five bongs. This is, of course, all part of my master plan to hide robotically-managed bongs within the ventilation system of Vollum, releasing a cloud of bong gas upon the entire lecture hall during a Hum lecture, creating a horde of weed-empowered freshman to do my bidding for the rest of my time at Reed. For your convenience, I will text you the next time I plan to go shoplifting, in case you want to join me.

Yours dearly, and with love~

Rupert

Postscript: I have escaped the closet.

Postpostscript: Do you want some of the crack I just bought? I accidentally got too much.