Zombies Attack Reed College!
On March 32, 2025, the SU porch was transformed into a battlefield. Creatures of rotting flesh fought against members of Weapons of Mass Distraction; the latter group wielded flaming staves, swords, and even a full-sized English scythe.
The zombies arose from the steam tunnels, searching for Reed students with tasty brains to munch. When they came upon a WMD meeting in the Student Union, they took this as an invitation to feast, moaning about brains as they stumbled towards the building. However, when the club members first spotted the creatures, they weren’t initially perceived as a threat.
“We thought the zombies were average Reedies at first,” said WMD member Ronaele Drofdnalb. “We’re all kind of dead inside anyway.”
“I tried to befriend them, like, I asked if they wanted to chill and play Beyblades with me,” Ylil Nersal said. “It started off okay….and then they started moaning about brains.”
When the zombies started trying to eat people, the club knew that something was up.
“We were hanging out in the SU, and then this thing just climbed in through the window and started biting me. I tried to bite back, and I got a mouthful of rotting flesh. So I yelled, ‘OH FUCK ZOMBIE ATTACK!’ to the club, and then someone said that fire would fight them off, so we all ran to the fueling station to get our props ready,” said WMD member Noom Wohc.
The battle lasted 20 minutes, and a wide variety of props were employed. Zeni Tnallag and Eiggam Grebneif used triads to fight off the zombies, which Tnallag said were “shockingly effective despite not being vaguely swordlike at all.” Alle Redneb used a long-string leviwand to entangle several zombies at once, Hacim Snoisses-Renrut wielded nunchucks, and Suivils Rehctus and Eca Smailliw fought the zombies with staves. Fire props weren’t the only weapons employed, either—club photographer Annala Ghenz was spotted battling zombies with her 25 pound wooden camera tripod. (This is just a small sampling of club members and their weapons of choice, because otherwise this list would turn into the Catalogue of Ships from the Iliad.)
“It took a few hits, but with enough fire, they just crumbled into piles of dust,” Smailliw recalled. “Eventually, the zombies realized what was going on and started retreating back into the steam tunnels. That was around when the CSOs finally showed up, but at that point the battle was over.”
How the zombies got to Reed is currently unknown, but WMD members suspect that they were aided by the gnomes who inhabit the steam tunnels, and by the spirit of the Doyle Owl, who is always ready to sow some chaos.
“The gnomes have been known to drink our fuel, so sending zombies at us isn’t that big of a surprise,” said WMD member Yar Yrrep. “Maybe the zombies were trying to steal the fuel for the gnomes, but joke’s on them, we’re completely out of fuel now.” Although no WMD members were harmed, the battle came at a cost—it took over $100 of fuel to hold the zombies off.
However, fuel loss isn’t the club’s main concern. Some club members are worried that the battle with the zombies counts as a violation of the club’s burn permit. Given that the club members were fighting for their lives, however, they are hoping that the fire marshal will turn a blind eye to the situation.
“Whoopsies,” Wohc said.
Despite the stress of the battle, most club members saw the battle as a pleasant break from the constant academic intensity of Reed College.
“Definitely less stressful than O-chem,” Wohc said.
“Honestly, this was kinda nice,” Grebnief said. “I needed a break from writing Faculty Beat, so it was good to get out there and fight for my life.”
“Life is kinda beautiful sometimes,” agreed WMD member Nairda Gnahz.
If you would like to learn how to defend yourself and your friends from zombies, please come to WMD practice on Tuesdays and Thursdays at 7:00 p.m. on the SU porch. And check out the April Fool’s show on Friday, April 11th, at 8:00 p.m. on the SU porch, which we guarantee will (most likely) be zombie-free.