Quethics

Since coming to Reed this fall, I’ve grown apart from my best friend from back at home. High school me and Reed me are two different people. I love my best friend, I just don’t like her anymore. Would staying friends with her make me a bad person? 

- Best Friends For Never?

Best Friends for Never,

College is a life-changing experience, not just because of the environmental change, but also because you’re still developing and growing as a person. It’s extremely understandable, and maybe even expected, that you feel the version of you who became friends with your best friend in high school differs from the person you are now in college. Realizing that can be a real growing pain, especially because she, and the memories you share with her, may still hold a special place in your heart.

Ethically speaking, staying friends with her would not make you a bad person. You still love her even if you’ve grown apart. If you didn’t love her at all, then it may be dishonest to continue to pretend that you do; we all deserve to know if someone’s feelings for us shift, in the same way, that we wouldn’t want a boyfriend or girlfriend to stay with us just to spare our feelings. It’s okay if your friendship remains at the level of a high-school friendship. It may be a good idea to transition the friendship from your inner circle to your more extended network, making her ‘Best Friend Emeritus’ so-to-speak.

Alternatively, you could also spread a nasty rumor about her that’s easily traceable to you and hope she breaks off the friendship for you. On the bright side, you’d never have to deal with her again but your reputation would certainly take a hit. In that case, you could also be on the receiving end of a revenge plot. I think it would be advisable to instead give her fewer updates or FaceTimes (however you communicate) while still maintaining a friendly relationship. If she asks you about the change, you can be honest, but also be kind. You can say that you love her but you feel college has caused you to grow apart. Tell her about some of the other friendships you’ve explored and invite her to tell you about her new friends. A true friend would want you to succeed and thrive in your new environment, not stay stuck in your high school mindset. And who knows! Maybe she has realized she’s changed too but is just too scared to admit it. 

In friendship,

The Quethicist