Sex and the College
“Sex and the College” is a column that explores love, sex, relationships and social life at Reed. This column is mostly based on personal experiences and observations around campus. If you have questions, thoughts, or advice for others; send it to the Quest and I can add it to the column.
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Around a week ago I ordered one of those fake zero-nicotine vapes. I realized that my urge to reach for something to inhale on a cold winter day was too strong and I know that what I reach for cannot continue to be cigarettes. A lot happened after I ordered that vape, and truth be told, the mailroom has still not told me if I can pick it up. I have finished a pack of Camels and I am afraid that by the time the package is ready, I will be too far gone into this new addiction.
I have been thinking of addictions, both healthy and unhealthy ones. Addictions come in many forms and magnitudes. Addiction to coffee is perfectly acceptable; addiction to adrenaline gives you cool lore, addiction to LinkedIn gets you a nice internship (I don’t know if it will but if it doesn’t, then you all should stop), but addiction to cigarettes is probably the only addiction that will carry you through four years of insufferable liberal arts education.
I couldn’t help but wonder, how much do addictions build our existence? And more importantly, is an addiction still bad if it doesn’t kill you?
I have one addiction that does not kill.
I quit it around a year ago. It was one of those addictions that drives you insane. The kind that gets you screaming into the Canyon—a real scream, nothing like the “scream day” this last Tuesday. I quit it cold turkey; no contact. I put all the reminders of it in a bag in the corner of my room. I started doing everything to keep myself away from the source of my addiction: I took up endurance sports; I travelled out of the country and took long drives through the backroads, and of course, thanks to Reed, there was always enough work to keep myself busy. Sometimes I would smoke; it is always a good idea to replace one addiction with another. I was sober from this addiction for almost a year, but only this week, I went back to it.
The addiction I speak of is an old lover, who from now I will be referring to as Green. For me, Green is so intertwined with nostalgia and my understanding of romance, that I cannot think of love without thinking of Green.
This is the secret kind of addiction. No one likes to admit that they still maintain psychological dependency, even when sober. But most certainly, in the case of an ex, the shame of admitting this dependency is too great. Maybe if there was an AA equivalent of addiction to an old love, we could finally explore those feelings that run deep into our psyche. Instead of AA, we have our friend groups and journals and uninhibited drunk conversations. The truth is that human connection is a necessary part of being a living social creature, but love… love is intoxicating.
That weekend, I called up Green for the first time in a year. That’s the thing about addictions; you never know when the urge will hit you.
After months of not speaking; she responded immediately. We met that night and took a walk around the neighborhood. We sat on the curb and I smoked as she told me about the lovers she had taken after me. I cried in her arms and for the first time in a year, she felt close.
There are a lot of addictions out there; but Green has been the hardest one to quit.