Sex and the College, episode 3
By now, dear reader, you may have realized by the name of this column, that it is (to an extent) about sex. Living up to our teenage expectations of college life, sex is a large part of the college experience. Whether you are having it, want to have it, or choosing not to have it, sex is a reality of our interactions. I was thinking about sex and all that which comes before, during, and after. From prep and foreplay, to closing the blinds, to the cigarette afterwards, which parts of sex constitute it? And more importantly, which part of sex is the most intimate?
The feeling of shame after sex is common. It is a feeling that makes you want to get your clothes and get out of there as soon as possible. I have experienced this same feeling. Maybe this feeling doesn’t stem from shame, but it brings a moment when I become very drawn into myself; the heat of the moment is gone and all that is left are the thoughts that follow. Afterwards, the feelings of self doubt and awkwardness, and the desire to escape eventually drives me out of the bedroom. It is after this kind of sex that I find the most pleasure in being alone. In a part of the novel Giovanni’s Room about a juvenile sexual experience, James Baldwin described it as “a kind of higher, or, anyway, more pretentious masturbation." Surely he is describing a situation similar to having sex without feeling interlinked with your lover. Sex in these situations does not feel intimate; it feels like a routine or individualistic drive for release.
But, very rarely, you may find someone that you are willing to spend time with in bed even after sex, not running away, not feeling regret; that’s the real deal. That’s real intimacy. The moments together after sex are the greatest pleasure. There are very few experiences in life that would equal the experience of haphazardly putting on whatever clothes you can find to go out for a smoke with your lover.
On one of such nights, Green and I went out for a smoke. I reeked of sex and my hair was unruly. We talked to each other about nothing and everything; about past lovers and current hatreds. I told Green about the end of the world. I told them about death and I cried. It was extremely cold but we did not bother going inside. Having sex must alter your brain chemistry, it must make you more prone to intimacy, but there must be something else there to keep you from running back to the comfort of solidarity after all physical pleasures are fulfilled.
It’s true that the physical act of sex does not require much intimacy, but lighting each other’s cigarettes afterwards does. It is no wonder that there is a band named after this experience, it is the greatest pleasure.