Sex and the College, episode 4
Spring break has passed, and I think it’s time for a recap. Over break, I went on a weekend-long trip with an old friend. The drive was three hours and we had a lot to catch up on. The topic of our love lives came up. I knew this friend has been in a long term relationship for a while now. I told him about the updates that my previous columns covered. He said that he was still with his partner, but when I asked him how things were going, he gave that all-too-telling shrug and said that they are in a sort-of open relationship. He said that the terms of this open relationship allow them to both sleep with other people, but they are still only in a relationship with each other. This made me think of relationships in general, the open and closed ones; the platonic and the romantic ones. Have we come to a point where we have torn open all that remains of conventionality? Have we done away with the boundaries that define our relationships?
On the drive, and later in the hotel, he mentioned that he tends to get very touchy when he is drunk. It was clear that he was insinuating something. We had already planned to get pretty drunk and cross-faded on this trip. We were in a small town in Oregon and we had already gotten a bottle of vodka right before the liquor stores all closed (weirdly, at 9pm). My friend had gotten some edibles from Floyd’s. So when he said this in our little motel by the highway, it was pretty awkward. I wasn’t interested in anything happening with him, and even if he was in an open relationship, it doesn't mean I was. He then told me that he often makes out with his friends when he is drunk, and that the last time he had gotten drunk, he had made out with one of our mutual friends from high school. On the drive over, we had talked about how this mutual friend is now engaged.
We seem to be in a time in our lives that is defined and constrained by labels. An old schoolmate can now be a fiancée. But we are also in an era that defies these boundaries. We can make out with our friends and still be in a committed relationship. We are constantly playing with these boundaries. We have done away with the expectations constituting our behavior in different categories of relationships. And, in a way, it is good to play around with these expectations, so we can really distinguish between what we actually like and what is only a traditional convention. On the other hand, we are also changing the nature of our relationships by pushing the boundaries that define them. A friendship, a romantic relationship, or an engagement no longer looks the way it used to. It is inevitable that in this process of reconstruction, we also lose some defining characteristics. I asked my friend if, in his relationship, they tell each other when they sleep with other people. He said no, since it would create too much jealousy for both of them. As a result, some experiences are not shared between them. At some points, the pleasure of the other is no longer known.
We are in an era where relationships look nothing like they used to, and it is a freeing experience. But also in this case, it can make for a pretty awkward three hour drive.